Journal - Day #1
- Feb 8
- 3 min read
I guess this is me finally taking action.
I have been out of the hospital for 3 days now, and I have always had this idea lingering in the back of my head. Now that I am out of the funk I have been in for the last decade, I want to bring my ideas to fruition.
Being out of the funk does not mean I am cured. Being out of the funk means I got the right help and finally got the right diagnosis, which led to the right meds. If you do not seek help, then you won't be put in the position to rebuild everything. You won't be in the position to make your life full.
Anyway... I am here to post my first journal. This will probably start out scatterbrained, but I will get better over time... trust me. I mean I have to trust me for Christ's sake.
This day started out ROUGH. The worst day by far since getting out of the hospital.
(P.S. You will get to know more about me as I create more and more journals)
Back to business. This day was ROUGH because I woke up catastrophizing. Everything in my life felt like it was crumbling down. Yesterday, I was trying to address some license issues and that went to shit. I most likely have to retake the license test even though I have a perfectly fine license.
TIP: DO NOT MOVE STATES AND LOSE YOUR LICENSE
Also yesterday, I went to check on my FMLA paperwork... and that went to shit. So, it felt I couldn't get anything going in the right direction. Meanwhile, I'm baseline overwhelmed as fuck. None of this helped.
What the fuck did I do to get out of this mindset on a lovely Super Bowl Sunday?
I broke down to my parents. Yeah... it's not the Rocky story you thought.
BUT... I came out of that breakdown. I wrote down all the fucking shit I have to do to get my life back together after this last decade of being misdiagnosed. AND... I got the things completed that I could. IT FELT GOOD. My brain slowed down again and I felt content with the day.
I felt so content that I went for a 4 mile run. That was great. Now that I look back on my day, I realize doing the small things can lead to bigger things. Who would have fucking thought that shit ACTUALLY works? Not me... well not the version of me while I was misdiagnosed.
Before I jump into the boring shit, here's some things I want to do in the next few days or maybe start tomorrow:
Double workouts - hardo move, but scared money don't make money
Keep pounding away on the comeback checklist - there's a lot of shit on there
Clean up this website - I know it is dogshit, but you have to start somewhere
Don't scroll - I'd rather create, not consume
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Ok, here's the boring shit.
FYI: I track all of this so my daily score can't lie. If I overspend, that's bad... that's a lower score. If I don't exercise, then same thing. You get the point. The benefit is that I can write this in a natural language and move the fuck on with my night.
Spending:
$8.71 - Prescriptions
$1,013 - Rent
$144 - Credit card payment
~$60 - Credit Card Payment
Exercise:
4 miles @ 8:06 pace
Eating:
3 eggs
Bacon
1 English muffin
David protein bar
Chips & Tomato salad
4 Ground beef tacos
Pint of ice cream + brownies
Meds:
I took all my meds today...
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With the reflection on my day, it turned out much better than it started. AND I took action right here tonight. Something I can be proud of.
I need to keep this positive attitude into tomorrow, especially if bad news hits. Don't worry, I'll keep you posted.
LOVE,
Benny
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