Journal - Day #2

Today's Score: 62

Oh boy. I have a lot to say.

Today was one of the tough ones coming out of therapy.

Yes, I am currently in an intensive outpatient therapy clinic from 9am-3pm. It sucks. and everything else in my life felt like it was falling apart today.

It still feels like it is falling apart right now.

I had to realize something though today. And that is... welcome to the suck.

Although I am out of the hospital, things are still going to suck. Everything is not solved. And more challenges will continue to come.

The issue is that I still have no purpose. The depression and anxiety are still there and nothing seems worth it. There is nothing dragging me out of that feeling because what is the point? I clean out all of the cobwebs, then what? I sit and stare at the wall.

I am currently wishing there was something I avidly enjoyed. Something that would be my north star through all of this work. But with depression, nothing seems worth it. And when I say I wish there was something to live for, I mean I wish there was something for me to enjoy once the cobwebs clear.

That could be anything. I wish I enjoyed something like art, design, volunteering, exercise, or even the fucking job I have. But nothing feels like... nothing in my life feels like anything at all. All the relationships feel transactional, even with family. There is no burning love in my heart willing to push me through the difficult times.

This is usually when I get suicidal. But right now, that is not the case.

The case right now is that I have to mother fucking push through this. I have to live with the uncertainty. I have to have the unwavering hope that things get better. There is no other option. I have to push myself to the ends of the Earth with positivity.

Yeah yeah yeah. This is super obvious to the average person. But depression rips all the good things from you. And being bipolar, it scares the hell out of me every single day that I may be staring at a noose again... and I make my final decision.

I can't do that to my family, even though I don't feel their love right now.

So, what do I do? I go balls to the wall tomorrow.

I am cutting out social media and entertainment from my life. I need to remove myself from these distractions in order to truly find myself. I also need to fill this time with removing the cobwebs from my life.

Also, it's time to bang out the 5am wake ups. Get working out. Then focus on work. If I am going to feel like shit, then why not do shitty things? My day should be jam packed so I do not even have time to let my depression get to me.

I am tired of the ping ponging life. Maybe God will send a message to me tonight... HAHAHA good one.

Ok, here's the boring shit.

What I ate:

• Sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast sandwich

• 2 Hashbrowns

• 1 coffee

• 1 diet coke

• Turkey and chess sandwich

• Small bag of chips

• Peanut butter crackers

• David protein bar

• 2 chicken cutlets

• Pasta

• Garlic bread

• ~70 ounces of water

What I spent:

• $18 - Food

• $79 - Eye exam + Glasses

I'll be honest, I have a lot to tackle in these coming weeks. It is normal life stuff, and I have to let it stay that way. But it is incredibly difficult to do so with depression. I can't play the pity party card anymore.

Real life starts tomorrow. Plain and simple.