Journal - Day #3

Today's Score: 64

Incredibly difficult day. Writing this is pure work for me right now.

I'll be honest... I cannot manage the uncertainty right now. It is driving my depression and anxiety to new levels.

The real cause is that I have been yearning for purpose in my life. Let's say I get through all this work in therapy and the medications start working. Then what? I stare at the wall?

I had short glimpses today where the uncertainty felt comfortable, but it was short lived. I feel like without a purpose, I leave so much room for the anxiety to grow. I cannot even write about the things that had me in the anxiety loop today.

I should be grateful for having gone through all the previous struggles I have. Look... I am still breathing right now. That's tough as shit. But I am missing all feelings from my life.

Love? Nope. Not even for family. They all feel like shadows to me. Even though they are very supportive.

It feels like everyday is an act. And I have a mask for every situation.

Some of the cobwebs are clearing in my life, but I feel like a child for having ran my life into the ground. What's the point to rebuild?... to stare at the wall?

When life has no meaning or point, it feels like a mountain to climb all the normal bullshit that comes from life. Trying to keep up with society feels pointless. But hey, I guess it is another day tomorrow. Right?

I know nobody is reading this right now. And I am not putting in the effort to get people reading this. But what the fuck is the point? I do not feel like I can help anyone. I can't even help my fucking self. Am I supposed to get through the anxiety and depression to have nothing in my life?

Ok, here's the boring shit.

What I ate:

• David protein bar

• Chicken breast and cheese sandwich

• Barbeque Fritos Twists

• Ritz peanut butter crackers (6 crackers)

• Ritz cheese crackers (6 crackers)

• Steak

• Tater Tots

• 2 Diet cokes

• 3 Coffees

• ~60 ounces of water

I am medication compliant.

Workout:

• Bodyweight circuit for 20 minutes

• 4.5 mile run @ 7:34 pace

What I spent:

• $21.80 - Food

• $10.00 - DMV

I know I am keeping up with some good things, but there is no feeling there. What's the point of even doing this? I also woke up at 5 am, but again... what is the point?

Depression and anxiety are brain diseases, like cancer, but why the fuck does everything seem pointless? A lot of existential questions are driving this, but shouldn't I feel the need to do things to get to my purpose?